How to Fight Presidents: Defending Yourself Against the Badasses Who Ran This Country by O'Brien Daniel

Author:O'Brien, Daniel [O'Brien, Daniel]
Language: eng
Format: epub, azw3
ISBN: 9780385347587
Publisher: Crown Publishing Group
Published: 2014-03-18T00:00:00+00:00

Amazingly, Garfield didn’t die. He was taken to a hospital, with one bullet still lodged in his body that the doctors couldn’t seem to find. In an effort to track the bullet down, doctors utilized a brand-new invention, the metal detector. The doctors would start cutting and digging whenever the device sensed metal. They did this several times, but still they couldn’t find any trace of the bullet, even though they got the distinct impression that metal was present every single time. This was because the bed frame beneath Garfield was made of metal. None of the doctors decided to check that, though. There was no time; they had a president to recklessly carve up and poke and prod using their filthy fucking doctor fingers. One of the doctors accidentally punctured Garfield’s liver, and another introduced streptococcus into his system, because for a long time “medicine” was just a bunch of guys fucking around. Garfield held out for eighty days before finally dying which, holy shit.

This will be a very difficult fight. It took two bullets, streptococcus, and a whole team of the dumbest fucking doctors in history eighty days to take out the Garfield. If you can handle yourself with any degree of grace, you just might be able to win this thing. Garfield was strong, but clumsy and accident-prone. He had a nasty habit of accidentally chopping himself with an ax while doing chores as a child (fuck!), and when he briefly worked aboard a ship, he fell overboard fourteen times in six weeks, a bold move for someone who can’t even swim. Fight him around axes and water and hope his instincts as a clumsy little ass-hat kick in.

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